Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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