i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
