I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
