i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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