did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
