The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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