She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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