I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
