Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
