A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
