he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
