I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
