just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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