Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
