On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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