I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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