He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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