Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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