if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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