The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
