moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
