he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
