Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
