So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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