go do what you do best...puke behind churches
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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