Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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