The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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