He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
