walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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