If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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