Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
