Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
