i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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