3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
