getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
