There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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