I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
