I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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