The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
