His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
