I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
