Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
