If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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