U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
there's paper in my vomit.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
