youre lurking in front of me
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
