I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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