Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
