look no pants
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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