there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
