so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
