Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
