I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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