i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
