Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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