Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
