i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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