A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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