i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I need to stop coming to work sober
He had one of those small greek statue penises
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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