fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
