Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
