We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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