I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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